Nocturnal Peace

My lack of care to my blog was brought to my attention today while eating an overpriced salad with browned leaves at dinner. I used the excuse that since I no longer had my laptop in my possession I just hadn't been online enough to update. But, that's a lie. (Sort of.) I just permanently filled a void that this blog temporarily filled for me in the past. I don't make time for my blog like I used to. I don't think about things to write down. My head doesn't make up crazy dreams as much for me anymore.

Now, I wake up in relatively good moods. Despite the early hour I have to roll out of my make shift bed and the thought of the temperature of the pool I will have to swim in within the next hour, I usually have great expectations for each day. I truly have been enjoying teaching group swim lessons. It takes up most of my shift and I have really been having fun so far this summer with the kids. I fill my time up with work, private swim lessons, friends, and a person that always seems to make my heart miss a beat when I see him.

I'll be sure to update next time with something more interesting. (Like a story that my head decided to tell me.)

Until then.

Oh! I saw Toy Story 3 and cried like a baby. I watched my childhood end in a movie. My heart will forever be broken, now.

Desperation

I stopped having dreams about You.
I stopped feeling him.
I stopped smelling him.
I tried forcing myself to dream of him.
But nothing worked.
I began to panic that maybe something had changed.
So, I sent my friend a text message one night.
(My friend is currently residing in Boston, so I don't see him too often. But as of late, we've been talking more and he has been kept up to date on my love situation simply so he understands my ranting.)

Me: "I haven't had a dream about him in weeks. I don't know what to think of it. I don't know if I should think anything of it. But it scares me. And I feel lost. I wish this month would be up. I wish I had answers. I wish I just had a friggen dream!!"

Boston: "Well, it might mean something. But, I mean, it's just a dream. And just look at it like this, if You doesn't want you, I always will. Yet another reason why we should date."

Boston and I have this ongoing joke about how we should date. Actually, I should say Boston has this ongoing joke that we should date. Everyday he'll send me anywhere from 1-5 reasons via text why we should date. One of my favorites: "I already know you're crazy! We're already ten steps ahead!"

Me: "But the dreams are what get me by. And ha. ha. You're hilarious."

Boston: "I know. You're going to hit me next time you see me. I'm sure you'll have a dream soon. Your lack of sleep probably has something to do with the lack of dreams, by the way. Get some sleep."

I closed my eyes at 4:30 AM. When I opened them, I was laying in bed with You.

I looked over at him and crawled closer to his body. He looked at me and smiled as he wrapped an arm around me. I reach up and kissed his lips. His hand reached up to my face and held me there. I felt his lips curve into a smile which spread to mine.

"Why are we doing this?" You asked.

"I don't know. I miss you." I answered continuing to kiss his perfect lips.

"So, can we just-"

"Be together?" I finished his sentence.

We smiled and I felt claws dig into my feet.

My eyes flew open and my body convulsed as the pain shot through my entire body.

The one thing I hate about spending the night in new places is the way their pets react. I happened to be spending the night at my friends' boyfriends' apartment down in Red Bank. They inherited this cat when my friends' RA discovered him in their apartment at school due to their idiot of a roommate. I don't hate cats. But this is not a cat. It's a bastard. (That's actually what I call him.) He's perfectly fine when the sun is up. I've seen him lash out and attack other people but normally he'll leave me alone after I give him some attention.

I picked the black and white cat up by his scruff and flung him out of the room. I laid back down and that's when it hit me. I felt my face light up and I forced myself back to sleep. I will never stay over that apartment again as long as that cat is crazy.

Safety

You and I are driving in a black Bentley. We're driving down familiar roads with three others in the car. One being a mutual friend, another my cousin, and the last my brother but 13 years younger.

In my dream I knew we were driving to the beach and I was responsible for my infant brother. We arrived at a two level house with four bedrooms on the top floor. Each bedroom contained at least two beds. My friend and cousin were lost in the house and my baby brother was fast asleep.

I placed him in another room in a cradle and You and I found another room with one bed. As I heard the rest of my family start to fill each room in the lower half of the house, I laid down. You laid down next to me and moved in close. He put a bare arm around me and I took in that smell. The intoxicating smell filled my nostrils and my eyes teared up. He looked down at me with those brown eyes that got me every time and pulled me closer.

We laid there for what felt like forever. I cried the whole time and he just held me. Neither or us said a word in fear that we would ruin the moment. You leaned his head down and kissed my forehead. I looked up, make up running from my green eyes. I stretched my neck as far up as I could and he met my lips in the little space that was left between us. Our bodies were entangled together and our lips were finally met. You placed a hand on my face and he kissed me deeper. His lips filled me with love and warmth. My tears stopped and I looked up at him.

Our eyes were locked and for the first time, my lips curved up into a smile.

I woke up once again with the feeling of his arms and body wrapped around mine. At this point, I've picked up that the less I move the longer the feeling will stick with me. I tried to close my eyes to go back to sleep, but my alarm kept screaming at me that I wasn't allowed to be this happy until the 30th. I got my little taste. That would get me through the following few days.

I still laid there not moving, taking in every feeling that I was left with.

Back On Track

Just needed to get that out last night.
I feel better, now.
But I still have some important issues to touch upon.
I still have to prove myself.

New dream posted later.

Off Topic

You were never there for me.
All you ever did was make me feel useless.
This is how it's supposed to be.
You fucked up "our time".
I'm hurting once again because of you.
But this is the last time.
Ever.

Onto more important things and people in my life.
And I honest to god mean it this time.

I'm done asking for forgiveness.
I'm done hoping you'll see what I really need.
I'm done with this bullshit excuse for a relationship or friendship or whatever.
From here on out,
what happens, happens for a reason.

I hope he can forgive me.

That's when the hurting will really stop.

Mending the Wounds

My last dream was the last one I had before I finally started to try and seriously fix my problem.

This is the dream that's kept my head above water.

I don't know how to read music, but I have a really good ear for a tune when I hear it. I've been known even since I was little to just sit at a piano and pick out the melody of a song I've heard. You makes another appearance in this dream. You plays piano beautifully. I would go to his Church on Sunday's just to listen to him play. Sometimes, I would even get to hear him sing. He's confident in his talents, just as he should be. Although, I'm not quite sure if I've ever let him know how much I really enjoyed just listening to him.

I'm sitting in You's work out room/dining room/new bedroom. (The room has changed several times since I've known him.) The ever changing room has red walls and a large window that leads out to the driveway in front of the house. I'm sitting in front of a silver keyboard. The black stool I'm sitting on is large enough for two but, for now, is only occupying one.

I flip the switch on the keyboard, and adjust the volume. I place a finger with a polished fingernail on one of the white plastic keys. The touch was smooth but soft. My finger belonged there, but I still felt wary and thought I would embarrass myself.

My fingers touched more keys, playing the only song they could remember from my High School piano class. (And, no, it was not Chopsticks.) Then I felt it again. I felt the warmth of his body against my back and his arms on either side of mine. Then his face was there, level with mine. He started to play another melody. One that was very familiar to my ears. A sweet song that reminded me of the beach at night, the feeling of two beings fitting together perfectly, the feeling of security, and that warm feeling that I got whenever I was near You.

My hazel eyes looked up into his brown and I smiled. You sat down on my right and kept an arm around my waist. My body was filled with that warm feeling and my nose was filled with the sweet smell that was his. The smell that brings back the fondest memories of being close to him. The one I miss every time I'm laying on my couch or in my bed. The smell danced around my nose and up into my brain which triggered a little movie to play for me when my eyes shut.

"Here. Try this," You said as he grabbed my hand.

The nerves in my hand sparked and my lips curved up into a smile. My eyes shut as he played a tune with my hand

The ocean was black and the sky was empty. The cool grains of sand squished between my painted toes. The lights from the town behind us barely touched the beach. Maybe we'd be able to see that meteor shower from here after all.

"I'll race you," I said with a smile on my face.

I started to run without his response. I knew he'd chase me. He loved running. We didn't have a real destination, so I stopped at the first lifeguard stand. I let him crash into me and tried to hold my own ground. I shifted on my feet but he was able to catch both of us. I wrapped my arms around his waist and looked up into his, handsome, moonlit face. I could barely see him. But as my hand reached up to touch his face, I could feel his scruff from lack of shaving and I could feel his eyes smiling down at me. I rose up onto my tip toes and met him half way. My lips touched his and every nerve in my body shot out a signal.

I opened my eyes as he let go of my hand. I couldn't play what he had taught me so he played it instead. I tried to mirror his dancing fingers, but could only catch random bits and pieces. I stopped and listened before I started to hum. This song had no words, just sounds.

My voice carried through the tune You played. The beautiful sound was completed when You harmonized my hums with his own healing notes. We continued together and looked at each other with smiles painted across our face.

I hate waking up sometimes. This was one of those times. But I woke up with that warm feeling filling my chest. That sinking feeling was gone. My dream saved me. You and I have never had a moment quite like this. Usually he would play and I would sing. So, the knowledge that this was not a memory lifted my spirits and eased my broken heart. This was a sign.

I'm not disregarding this sign.

Ashes to Ashes

I hate funerals. But for some reason, I found myself reliving one that I had known already happened. Back in March, My Grandmother passed away. I went through the whole thing on top of dealing with school and chauffeuring my younger brother back and forth to his middle school production of Beauty and the Beast.

I am a part of a family that is full of women. Crazy, neurotic, and caring women. Every time my family gets together, there is always an argument. The sister's are either fighting with each other or the wives are having snippy little fights under their breathes with their husband's about something one of the sisters said hours ago. And of course, the most famous in this case was, "Your mother just died. Why can't you just drop it?" For some reason, those words always create more trouble then they're worth. But, regardless of all the garbage and negativity that happens when my family gets together, we all eventually enjoy each others company.

In this particular dream, my quarreling aunts did not make an appearance. Not even as extra's. No one in my family did, actually.

I was standing in a pew with...we'll call him You. He wore a black suit jack, black pants, black dress shoes, a black tie, and a white button up shirt. He looked cool, calm, and collected, just as he always does. He towered over me even in my high heels and he stood close to me, holding my hand. The service had ended and we were just standing there. I looked up at him and said, "We don't have to do this. We can fix it."

His brown eyes looked down at me. They were sad and his mouth said, "No. It's destroyed."

Our dialogue continued as such for what felt like forever. And the more the words that escaped his lips pushed me away, his body pulled me closer and held me tighter.

Our bodies moved to the lobby where there were red velvet plush seats and an old Victorian era mirror. We stood in front of it just looking at one another. He continued to keep me close with his body and push me away with his words. The feeling of being torn in both directions made my heart begin to break.

"I won't let you go," I said as I wrapped my arms around him.

With my arms overlapping his I could feel him sigh. Tears streamed down my face but my eyes remained open. I could feel a gust of wind. It was slow and steady. Ashes began to cover You's suit jacket. I could tell that they were cigarette ashes.

He looked down at me as my small hands brushed the soft cotton of his jacket.

"I really can't," he said with an even tighter squeeze.

I brushed off more of the falling ashes and asked, "Have you been smoking again?"

My eyes opened. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and could still feel the squeeze his arms left around me. I realized that it never mattered if his words were pushing me away in reality or in my dreams. I still cried. It still hurt. I still never wanted to let go of him. The sinking feelings made me sick all day and I never wanted the feeling of him holding on to leave me. It took me hours just to get out of bed.

His arms eventually let go. I've never quite lost that sinking feeling.