Someone told me a few months back that I should try and get back into writing. So, of course, at 12:07 on a Monday morning I decide to go through with this suggestion. Having never written a blog before, I don't really know what to expect or what I expect to come from my efforts. Perhaps it's just the idea of getting my writing started up once again. I'm not searching to earn money through this. I'm not searching to earn followers who religiously check my blog to see what I've done next. (Okay, maybe that's a lie.) I believe that maybe this will help me through the following days of my torturous hiatus.
As a twenty-one year old, single, female, I find myself struggling a lot. Struggling with money, with keeping up with my social life, and even keeping up with what society expects me to do within in the next year of my life. I'm not an ugly person by any means, but I struggle with the little things about my looks that I feel hold me back from so much. I'm not obese, either. In fact, just last summer I lost the thirty (Yes, thirty) pounds I gained in my freshman year of college. I have honestly never felt better about my body before in my life. But despite my confidence, I still find myself feeling plain and boring and needing to force myself to stand out in a crowd. I find beauty in the strangest things in life, and at times I want others to see that same beauty.
For example, today at work I saw a baby. Now, I'm not the kind of person that loves children and wants a child anytime soon, and this baby was by no means cute or beautiful. The child's head was almost a perfect circle, but was very chubby. The hair on top of his head was so minimal that the baby still looked like an alien. But the strangest part was that this infant's eyes, nose, and mouth were all mashed together in the exact center of his face. Not a cute baby. However, as the babies father walked passed my friend and I with him in his arms, I couldn't help but see how beautiful the baby truly was. I still cannot find the words to even try and explain why I saw that or thought such a thing. But it's just the fact that I can find something like that as beautiful when no one else around me can.
Another major insecurity I have is that I am so terribly frightened of being alone. And these past thirteen days have honest to god scared the living hell out of me. I am in a place where I have feelings for a person who I know feels the same way back but I have possibly destroyed anything we could have had. The only hope I have in fixing my huge mistake is by giving him what he asked for originally and that is space. There have been days where I don't think I'm going to make it until June 30. Days where I almost convince myself that I need to contact him. But I don't. I want this to play out exactly as it should. I want this to work. I want to fix my mistakes and I see now that the number one way is by just leaving the situation alone. I like to fix things. Or at least think I fix things. So, right now, the hardest thing for me to do is leave this alone since this person has become such a huge piece of me. Not seeing him is killing me. Not speaking to him and telling him every little things about my day is driving me absolutely up the wall. Yes, I have friends (who have heard about these issues many a time) and I love them and keep them as close to my heart as I can. But sometimes you get that connection with someone else. A connection that once the ties are severed, nothing is the same. And you know that it becomes a problem when the person floods your dreams.
All I can do is wish and pray for is that on June 30, everything is right. (And by right I mean I'm where I know I should be with this person.)
My dreams are partially why I started this blog. I have so many and remember so few. But the one's I do remember, I remember so vividly. So, I guess these dreams are like presents on Christmas. You unwrap them, not knowing what you're going to get. It could be something you hate. But it could be exactly what you asked for.
My dreams, as painful as they are at times, are what save me. I get doubts that my whole world is crashing down. (This has been happening especially since I recently cut a very important person out of my life.) I get doubts that this pain is all I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. And then I think about my dreams. I think about how I wake up still seeing them and tasting them and feeling them. I remember that all of the bad will only last a little longer. It's only when I open my eyes that I see that I'm fine. (At least temporarily.)
So from here on out, I'll only write about my dreams.
I guess I have some catching up to do.
As a twenty-one year old, single, female, I find myself struggling a lot. Struggling with money, with keeping up with my social life, and even keeping up with what society expects me to do within in the next year of my life. I'm not an ugly person by any means, but I struggle with the little things about my looks that I feel hold me back from so much. I'm not obese, either. In fact, just last summer I lost the thirty (Yes, thirty) pounds I gained in my freshman year of college. I have honestly never felt better about my body before in my life. But despite my confidence, I still find myself feeling plain and boring and needing to force myself to stand out in a crowd. I find beauty in the strangest things in life, and at times I want others to see that same beauty.
For example, today at work I saw a baby. Now, I'm not the kind of person that loves children and wants a child anytime soon, and this baby was by no means cute or beautiful. The child's head was almost a perfect circle, but was very chubby. The hair on top of his head was so minimal that the baby still looked like an alien. But the strangest part was that this infant's eyes, nose, and mouth were all mashed together in the exact center of his face. Not a cute baby. However, as the babies father walked passed my friend and I with him in his arms, I couldn't help but see how beautiful the baby truly was. I still cannot find the words to even try and explain why I saw that or thought such a thing. But it's just the fact that I can find something like that as beautiful when no one else around me can.
Another major insecurity I have is that I am so terribly frightened of being alone. And these past thirteen days have honest to god scared the living hell out of me. I am in a place where I have feelings for a person who I know feels the same way back but I have possibly destroyed anything we could have had. The only hope I have in fixing my huge mistake is by giving him what he asked for originally and that is space. There have been days where I don't think I'm going to make it until June 30. Days where I almost convince myself that I need to contact him. But I don't. I want this to play out exactly as it should. I want this to work. I want to fix my mistakes and I see now that the number one way is by just leaving the situation alone. I like to fix things. Or at least think I fix things. So, right now, the hardest thing for me to do is leave this alone since this person has become such a huge piece of me. Not seeing him is killing me. Not speaking to him and telling him every little things about my day is driving me absolutely up the wall. Yes, I have friends (who have heard about these issues many a time) and I love them and keep them as close to my heart as I can. But sometimes you get that connection with someone else. A connection that once the ties are severed, nothing is the same. And you know that it becomes a problem when the person floods your dreams.
All I can do is wish and pray for is that on June 30, everything is right. (And by right I mean I'm where I know I should be with this person.)
My dreams are partially why I started this blog. I have so many and remember so few. But the one's I do remember, I remember so vividly. So, I guess these dreams are like presents on Christmas. You unwrap them, not knowing what you're going to get. It could be something you hate. But it could be exactly what you asked for.
My dreams, as painful as they are at times, are what save me. I get doubts that my whole world is crashing down. (This has been happening especially since I recently cut a very important person out of my life.) I get doubts that this pain is all I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. And then I think about my dreams. I think about how I wake up still seeing them and tasting them and feeling them. I remember that all of the bad will only last a little longer. It's only when I open my eyes that I see that I'm fine. (At least temporarily.)
So from here on out, I'll only write about my dreams.
I guess I have some catching up to do.
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